Saturday, August 28, 2010

D Day Minus 177 (September 13, 2009): Dark Passengers

“What are you cheesing about?” Dad asked, queuing up the next episode of Dexter, on the FIOS box in our bedroom. We were marathoning through Season 3, so we’d be all set when it started up again on September 27th.  I tucked myself tighter underneath the covers to protect the guilty and institute damage control. Dad sniffed and curled his nose. In total unadulterated disgust, he said, “Nance, what have been eating? It’s the diet crap you’ve been drinking. Isn’t it? You’d better knock that off.” I bottled up my laugh. I didn’t want to anger the beast. That wouldn’t have been pretty. All I can say is you and me, meatloaf, flight from San Francisco to Honolulu, gasping for air, watering eyes, and you trying not to laugh. There! Now you get the picture. But that’s not why I was cheesing – that was just a bonus.

Sometimes you just need to let loose, and I meant that on many levels, and have some fun. Why not? You’d had a great day at Wegmans sharing the good news about your clinical trial appointment on Thursday. Dad and I spent the day catching up on Sterling chores and feeling like we accomplished something--for once. Dad even fixed dinner, steak for you guys and chicken for me (I didn’t want Mad Cow). You were in your room, escaping to Mario Land with Katie and laughing really loud. So loud, Dad turned up the volume on the television. He was a little annoyed, but I loved that you were having fun. What IS the deal with Mario jumping on your head? Never mind. You don’t have to answer, because I’d forget anyway.

Let me get back to why I was cheesing for real. I had this idea hit me between my third eye when I was watching Dexter. I know, you think Dexter is stupid. You told me so. Whenever I mentioned it, you rolled your eyes and asked, “Don’t you have something better to do?” Actually I didn’t. It was fun to escape in Dexter’s world --a sociopathic serial killer, who called his urge to kill, his Dark Passenger. Anyway, his adoptive dad, Harry, was a cop. Harry knew about Dexter’s Dark Passenger and wanted to keep it under control so he’d fit in. Harry developed a code for Dexter. Harry’s code was something like this, stay in control so you don’t get caught, only bad guys who got through the system could be killed (and only if there was no question of their guilt). Deb was Harry’s real daughter and Dexter’s adoptive sister. Deb was jealous of Dexter because Harry paid more attention to him. Harry adopted Dexter after his mother, an informant (he was having an affair with), was brutally murdered in a cargo box. Two year old Dexter and his older brother were left to wallow in their mother’s blood. I know it sounds all brutal, but Dexter really is a dark comedy not a morbid scary show. You probably don’t believe me. Because you refused to checked it out. Like we both said, people don’t learn through words. They learn by experiencing it. All I can say is ---your loss. You didn’t want the experience.

I know I’m like a runaway train with no brakes, but there is a point. There’s a lot more to Dexter, but I’m leaving out the extra parts for now. And I’ll stop with the yada yada. Wait, I lied. I forgot to tell you. Dexter is a forensic analyst who specializes in blood spatter patterns. He works for some Miami Police Department along with his sister Deb.  The same place where his (now dead) Dad, Harry, was a heroic icon.

Dad interrupted my thoughts, so I had to take a break from my idea. He was getting suspicious because I had a cheesy smile super-glued on. When I glanced up at Dad, he braced himself for another wave of dinner after effects- and put a pillow over his nose. I let him think I was stinky. I didn’t want to tell him about my Dark Passenger idea. Not until I told you first. Anyway, you know and I know some things you want to keep to yourself. Some things aren’t worth repeating. And some things are better left unsaid. You decide.

“Did you know Dexter married his sister Deb from the show in real life?” I asked Dad, intentionally trying to annoy him. It worked, because Dad sighed. “I’m trying to watch the show.” I thumbed the remote and paused the show. I babbled, “I thought I heard it on E! and Googled it. They got married last January. Can you imagine them together?” Dad said, “Interesting.” But he really meant, “Shut up Nance, I want to watch the show.” I unpaused the show. Dad’s eyes were front and center once again, like Pavlovian’s dog.

So I know I’ve kept you waiting like forever to hear my idea. Well here it is. Drumroll please – air drumroll will suffice. What if Dexter’s Dark Passenger could kill your Dark Passenger? He could get really small and get into your body somehow. I haven’t figured how he’d bring his kill kit, but that’s just the minor details. Dexter could set up a kill room somehow. He’d have Tom Petty’s , Don’t Come Around Here No More, blaring in the background. Because, I know you like Tom Petty. The plastic laden kill room would be plastered with faces of all the people that melanoma killed. Dexter would tell your melanoma what it did wrong and how it’s going to have to pay for what it did. Then he’d do it -- take his power tools and eradicate your Dark Passenger. Cool, right? If that isn’t working for you maybe your Dark Passenger could be turned into a video game. That way you and Katie could crush your Dark Passenger with theWII. You could find cheats on the Internet and everything. Or what if, you could just reprogram yourself so your body was perfectly aligned and the cancer couldn’t grow? Don’t laugh at me. I’m serious. Maybe we’re looking at the cancer all wrong. And you know it really would be nice, if it were that easy.


  1. I only say this because I feel like I need to finally admit it. I thought the same thing when I was watching Dexter. I also wished that the Magic School Bus could shrink down again like it did in one of those episodes and hunt down the cancer and shrink into nothingness.

    We're related.

  2. As always Morgan. You make me smile.