Sunday, January 9, 2011

D Day Minus 86: (December 12, 2009): Duality, OJ, and Time (Part 2)

The just phone rang. So I can't explain the experiment. At least not yet.  It was Dad.  The lady trapped in the phone told me so.  I almost tripped over my shoes, tucked underneath the kitchen table, trying to find the cordless phone. The damn thing was buried under a blanket on the couch in the family room.  I know.  I know.  I should have put it back in the cradle.  "Yada, yada" to you.  But seriously. Did the commotion wake you?  I hope not.  

Dad was at Best Buy picking up a cable for my new twenty-four inch monitor so I could have a big screen for my zebra-skinned Netbook.  I complained about needing more real estate so I could see a document and a spreadsheet at the same time.  I wasn't really complaining much. Seriously, I think Dad just wanted to go someplace or do something where he felt in control. Because. Well because, the stupid treatment didn't work. And the cancer spread to your liver.  

We're an odd bunch, don't you think? But somehow it all works. Dad loves facts and things and us: you, me and Morgan.  I love my feelings and emotions because they make me feel alive.  But mostly, I love my little dysfunctional family.  All of you.  So I guess family is the common denominator. The only difference is our numerators.  There I go with my math talk again. But it fits, at least this time. Don't you think?

"The roads aren't too bad, but the snow is starting stick. I have the cable." Dad paused. "We doing anything for lunch?"  

A snow flake melted on the patio door.  And I was glad it was Dad, not me, out dealing with the cold and the crowds.

"Get something on your own. We're fine." Dad was all chatty. I wanted him to hang up.  I sort of lied about a bad connection.  I had to.  I was in the middle of my experiment. And I had to focus. 

I worked quietly for about an hour capturing the data and setting up the parameters of the experiment.  I even pretended I was on CSI and had cool music in the background. You know it makes everything more exciting.  Then I got to thinking about whether my hair in the back was separating by the cowlick. Because if I really was on CSI, and the camera was looking down on me being all studious and solving mysteries, then I'd want my hair looking good. Then I got stuck. 

So you know what I did? I got a big Diet Mountain Dew from my not so secret hiding place - the little black fridge tucked in the corner. Shhh. Don't tell.

I unscrewed the lid and it made the "Shhh" sound too.  All the "Shh-shing" must have knocked something loose. And I had an epiphany.

Now I have to revise my hypothesis.  But this is even better. You'll see. I'll annotate the modifications to it, just like I was a professional.

Crap. I just tried to annotate like a professional, with footnotes and all, but my stupid software won't let me.  So I'm just going to underline it. Okay?  But, please pay attention. This stuff really matters.  Well, at least to me.  And you are part of me, so it should matter to you by default.  

Don't you like how I just made all this about numero uno? Me. 

Notice how I added fancy words to the experiment and the analysis some with three syllables even.  Dad would say, "Nance, you're a genieass." Like I don't know he's making fun of me. Because I am a genius.  Okay, so it's hiddena little. Well maybe a lot. I know. I know. You want me to focus. So I will. Just for you.

Here it goes.  Note (notice how I said note, like I had something important to say -- like in a scientific journal or something special), I have set up two test cases. Event A and Event B along with in-depth analysis.  Which really means stuff that just popped into my head. Okay, I'll shut up and  let you read it. You'll figure it out.

The Hypothesis. Noun-particles are the catalyst for verb-waves. And verb-waves can generate noun-particles. Thus, causing noun particles and verb-waves to become entangled and intertwined. Therefore, entanglement is a fact of life. Thoughts are matter. And thoughts matter. Thoughts create feelings. Feelings dictate perceptions. Perceptions define reality. 

Experiment Setup: The control is how an individual (me) perceives an event because that is all I really can control. Just my reaction. So for the control, the subject (me) will report on my perceptions.  Feelings will calibrate the amplitude (better known as mood swings) and the oscillation verb-waves that have to reverberate at undefined frequencies.  

Noun-Particle A (aka Event AYogaX, Heavy Socks, and Omens) 

On December 3rd, I got up at four thirty in the morning to do Yoga X with Tony Horton in the basement. I only had three weeks to go until I completed my first round of P90x.  And I knew I was going to work late.  I didn't want Morgan to beat me at P90X. You know how Morgan and I can be.  

Around a quarter to six you came downstairs to get your Wegmans shirt out of the dryer.  Even though I was in child's pose, your favorite, and couldn’t see your face. I could tell you weren’t bouncing like Tigger. But then again, it was early.  I hadn’t seen or talked to you much the past couple of weeks. We were busy avoiding cancer and embracing life.   

On November 18th, you got good news again.  It was the first time you made the trip to Houston by yourself.  Remember there was snow in Chicago and your flight was delayed so you had to pay triple to get a car because Enterprise, which had a really good rate for MD Anderson patients even if they weren’t twenty-five, was closed.  

Anyway, I had a feeling something wasn't right, so I skipped savasana (aka corpse pose) and the ohms and went upstairs to talk to you before you left for work.  

“You okay?” I asked. 

“I can’t do this anymore?” You said sitting on your bedroom floor, pulling on your sock like it weighed a ton. Gone was the sparkle in your eyes. In its place dark circles haunted them. 

“Do what?” I asked. 

“Work these hours. I want more regular hours.” That was the first time I heard you complain about work. 

“This isn’t forever.” I said.  “Each day is a stepping stone, getting you to the next place.  You are supposed to want more.  It’s not being greedy.” 

You nodded and got up from the floor. 

“I’m just a little tired.” You said trying to convince yourself more than me.

I hugged you and told you how much I loved you. Then I threatened to send you positive juju throughout the day whether you liked it or not. That made you smile—a little.    

Preliminary Analysis of Event A, Phase 1: Significant noun-particle established due to negative emotions and premonitions during Event A: YogaX, Heavy Socks, and Omens.  Thus providing catalyst for subsequent verb-waves categorized as general and specific. General verb-waves will be documented first. Followed by specific verb-waves.  (Are you digging my scientific gobbledygook?)  Please lie to me.

General Verb-waves: General negative emotions and feeling clouded the general verb-waves.  All of them were drawn to me like a magnet to steel.  The bad feelings came without warning and stayed whether I wanted them to or not.  At work, at home, at the store, in the car. They were leeches on my soul. General verb-waves are:

1:  Fear. It was in the pit of my stomach and stayed like an unwelcome visitor. It was knowing something wasn't right based on a feeling. Yet not really knowing. Then starting the vicious cycle again and again.
2: Uncertainty. What the hell is the meaning of life anyway? Is there really something more.  Did I make up Hannah? Was this really it?  Just this?
3: Doubt. Where was my faith that you would be all right? Why don't I think the treatment is working? What ever happened to the whole belief in zebras? Was it a stupid joke?
4: Anger. Not again! This isn't supposed to be happening. We were positive. We tried everything. We did what the doctor's said.  Even more. Who lied?
5: Pity. Why me? Why you? Why us? Why not them? We don't deserve this.

Specific Verb-waves: Specific verb-waves increased the amplitude of emotions, and the oscillation of feelings.  Much akin to a rollercoaster ride where you never see the light of day.  These verb-waves became entangled with snapshots of memories, thus becoming entangled with other noun-particle.  Duality in full motion. Sort of like the chicken and the egg.  Specific verb-waves observed were:  
1:  Crying a lot in bed in Bassett – both days of the weekend. Even during “The Soup” and “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” Note: Stupid things don't work when you are not on a happy appreciative wavelength.
2: Meditating and trying self-hypnosis when not in tears. Yoga Nidra was added to the mix. Note: Altered stated sought with all. Minimal impact.  
3: Assuming everything was NOT all right. I'd given up.  I knew something was wrong to the core. Note: If beliefs are thoughts you think over and over again. Was I making it worse? Fact. The more I thought about the bad things, the more bad things I thought about. Is this a Catch-22? 
4:  Fighting with Dad. He said I was overacting and that I didn’t have anything to worry about about you and the treatment. Everything was fine. I was just being a worry-wart. I told him about the noun-particle. Except I didn’t call it that.  I thought Dad was a stupid jackass. And told him so. Then I cried some more. Note: Dad and I weren't really fighting, we just weren't on the same wavelength. And that is okay in the end. Sometimes I'm a jackass too. 
6. Increasing the Raimann bit.  Funny thing, I don't think you noticed.  I thought the more I checked on you the more I showed that I cared. And the more I showed that I cared. The more things would be okay. Note: I am what I am. 
7. Thinking about this experiment. Was there a way to prove a cause and effect as I tried to piece together my feelings, perceptions, and its impact on time. Note: This is the beginning.  I'm just sharing my initial thoughts with you.  Because you get me and won't think I'm a crazy mom. At least not for this.   

Preliminary assessment of Phase 2 of Event A. Both general and specific verb-waves started with the noun-particle. All verb-waves are calibrated to emotions.  Noun-particle was perceived as a negative event.  (Note to myself -- What happens when a noun-particle is positive? Put in backlog of research.  Can a noun-particle be both negative and positive? You know, I need to write things down fast before I forget. Yeah, I'm a mess.) Subsequent verb-waves were ripples of the negative event. The more focus on the event with the same negative lens, the more negative verb-waves were generated.  Therefore, the more negatively you think, the more negativity you get. Conversely, the more positively you think, the more positivity you get.  (Another note to myself: More field research needed. Sorry. I don't want to forget.  You understand). The paradox is how to find something positive, when you are in a negative place. 

What do you think so far? The ass-kicker, is how to move from a bad spot to a good spot.  But you know the answer. You just try to feel a little better. Maybe that's what this experiment is about.  Just trying to feel a little better. 

Are you ready for the next part, the linkage of Event A to Event B? I won't wait. I'll just continue writing  it down and let you read it when you feel better.  But I expect an in-depth discussion. You can even play devil's advocate.  I do have an open mind, you know. 

Noun-particle B (aka Event B: Orange Juice and Airplanes)

“Now I can drink orange juice.” It was the first thing you said two days ago when you called me at work after your third round of treatment.  

“What?” I asked. “You’re not making sense.” 

“The treatment is not working.” You said. “So they're taking me off the trial.  I’m so looking forward to drinking orange juice on the plane.”

Immediate reaction: My heart and soul filling with concrete and being dropped in the ocean. Literally drowning in a sea of despair. Hannah, I need you now. I don't know how I'm going to ride these waves.  They're just to big. 

Preliminary Analysis of Phase 2 of Event B: Findings show..... 

Did you hear that? Someone just pulled into the driveway. Do you know who it is? Were you expecting someone? What's that? Do you see it? She has huge bouquet of flowers. They're so beautiful. Wait I can see her. She has short brown hair. Her eyes are red and so is her nose. She's been crying.  I think it's Julie. Your boss from Wegmans. But, I'm not sure. You've only told me about her.

I opened the front door, that sticks, before she got to the front step. Snow flakes fell across her face and landed on an eyelash. Did you notice how slow the snow was moving? Do you think I could stop the snowflake if I tried?

“This is for Greg.” She said handing me a big envelope and flowers. "We hope he feels better soon." 

“Thanks. He’ll appreciate that.  He appreciates Wegmans so much.” I said, my throat closing on the words.  I was numb and didn’t ask who she was for sure or even ask her in. Stupified, that was a good description. Don't you think?  

I took the flowers and put them in the middle of the dining room table, just beyond, my zebra Netbook. And typed: Noun-Particle C: Flowers and Card from Wegmans. Then I typed more notes to myself: Verb-waves ??????????????. What is the correlation between Events A, B, and C?  Be sure to investigate any relationship between time and what you focus on. 

I looked up. And there you were. Right next to me, pointing to the flowers.

"Wegmans." I said in tandem with little tears tricking out the corner of your eyes. But, they were happy tears.  I knew that much because you had the hint of a smile.

I closed, my NetBook, intent on testing the latest addendum to my hypothesis. Does time last longer when you focus?  And if I focus on you, will time expand for you and me.

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