Wednesday, June 16, 2010

D Day Minus 209 (August 11, 2009)

"I'm going to kill him even if the cancer doesn't." I said to Janiene as I cradled my cell against my right cheek while I walked aimlessly around the loop around the pond. "He can be such an ass."

"Why, what happened?" Janiene asked.

"I know he's not feeling well, but that's no excuse." Tears laced  with mascara bled into my eyes making both of them sting like hell.  Salt on an open wound popped into my mind as I tried not to totally lose it. 

"WHAT HAPPENEND?" Janiene asked, this time in her annoying bossy voice, like she did when were kids.  

"I took Katie and Greg to Mimi's Cafe to celebrate getting through his first round of treatment and starting at Wegmans on the 13th.  Jeff was working late so it was just the three of us.  Anyways it started when he threw a fit about me even asking to bring a bottle of water in his stupid assed white Scion.  I had to hear him ranting about wanting to keep it nice and yada yada.  Then when we got to Mimi's, I shut the door to his precious milk truck too hard and I had to hear about that.  Dinner was miserable because of him and his stupid attitude.  How did he get so anal?" I maybe took a half a breath and started up again.

"Greg knew I was upset, but he thought it was because he was run down and tired and had cancer.  He's so stupid.  I felt bad for Katie because she knew I was mad and felt stuck in the middle.  I wish I everything could be about me for once." The words just came out in slow motion like when you shut the car door and notice the damn keys on the seat. 

"Hold on." I said to Janiene, "I have a call coming in." I looked at caller id. "It's Greg."

"Do you need to go?" Janiene asked.

"No. I don't want to talk to him.  He'll be fine. I just told him I needed to go for a walk and do something for me when I left the house. He's a big boy, he'll figure it out..... I'm never going back home."  I said, my heart racing really fast.  Someone drove by with their music blaring from a souped up Honda so all I got back from Janiene was. "Are you there?  Did I lose you?"

"I'm here." I said fighting the urge to give the Honda the finger.   "I told him I would never go on a road trip with him. Ever. EVER. I didn't really mean it.  I would.  Only  I'd take my own car so I could go through drive throughs, have food and drink in the car, and not have to park out in frikkin Egypt." I sighed loud enough so I knew Janiene could hear. Then I breathed in for four counts and out for four. 

"I get that he wants some control over this." I almost whispered.

"I'm sure he does." Janiene said.

"Did I do something wrong so Greg got cancer and Morgan was a cutter?" I thought I'd stopped thinking that, but I just said it. My toxic mouth was the reservoir and the dam broke. 

"No."  Janiene said.  "You can get mad."

"I usually limit it to five minutes. But, I've been walking for an hour half and its nearly dark.  And I don't want to go home. EVER. EVER. EVER." Then I started bawling like a baby. 

I honestly didn't think about how you felt or whether you were going to be ok.  And even though you tried to call again.  I just kept on having my pity party with Janiene until Dad called . Then I started round two with him.

"You have to go home Nance." Dad said.  "It's getting dark." I pouted and didn't say anything for about thirty seconds. 

"But I said all those mean things about Greg to you and Janiene.  I was just mad. And I know I didn't say them to him. But I thought them, which is just as bad." I said.

"Come on, you have to give yourself a break. Get your butt home." Dad said. 

After I hung up I headed back to the house via the trail behind our house and almost stepped in some dog poop. "What else?" I muttered along with a few obscenities. Then I smiled when I realized that this was first time I had been mad at you  in a long time. It was anger just the way it used to be without cancer looming in the background.

When I got home, Dad was in the kitchen looking for something to eat.  He hugged me and told me I was stinky from walking, which I knew.  You left Katie in your room and met me on the first landing of the stairs.  I smiled a little, thankful you didn't hear my tirade.  "Mom." You said. "Are you ok?" 

"Yeah" I said, "But being stupid runs in the family."  We hugged really hard.  I started a mental inventory of all the things I appreciated about You, Dad, Morgan, Katie, and life.   And how good it felt to get MAD. 

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